Half way there...

On the way to work this morning, Bon Jovi kept me going on my attempt at eating only brown rice for 10 days. I thought it was kinda cool to hear "Livin' on a prayer" ... "we're half-way there....... " as I was driving today. Today has been harder, and easier than any other day. I want to eat something really badly...but not really because I'm hungry anymore or that anything really sounds good anymore. Well, I take that back. While at Whole Foods tonight picking up some short grain rice for "variety", I also bought a new brand of veggie burger that doesn't contain soy- because it sounded so so very good. It's frozen and will be just great, I'm sure, when I end my fast. I'm at the point to where just a bite of something different sounds awesome. Like a bite of jarred mushrooms... or pickled okra... or a bite of veggie pattie.... or some of my awesome homemade veggie TVP sloppy joe's... oh god, I better stop. Today is the first day I've found it really really hard to get enough calories into my system and have started to feel a little... um... disoriented. No headaches, or pain or anything... just kinda disconnected? Anyway... I will have to be sure and eat more and more often for the remainder if I don't want to get sick. I know that 1000 calorie a day diet is something drastic and only done for a short period of time, typically. I added up today's calories... in the neighborhood of 475 calories. Um... that's a lil too low to be healthy... so, force feeding myself more rice from now on. I feel good... I need more energy from food because this weekend I want to keep busy doing active stuff outside to take advantage of the nice weather we are supposed to have. Anyway, as of now... half way there on this brown rice adventure. I have doubts if I'm gonna make it the whole 10 days... I didn't last time and I really want to ... it's just difficult. I'm going to bed.

Brown Rice Fast

Today is day two of my hopeful 10 day brown rice fast. This is not my first time in the rodeo, but I remember the last time I embarked on this, I basically stopped eating at day 7. BAD. This time I feel convicted to go as long as I can, and continue to eat adequately. Day one was A LOT harder than I remember day one being last time. By the end of the day, I was hungry. Really hungry. Like, I wanted to quit. Already? Day one? I asked myself...no I will continue. I was kinda pissy last night, too. Angry at Brian for no real reason, but not interested enough to be mad for real... and just probably frustrated that I couldn't cook my rice to a nice texture. This morning, however was a new morning... a new outlook. My shower took 20 minutes today. I felt good ... I felt alive, I felt calm... I felt smoother-my skin, and my motions, my thought processes. I felt more confident, actually. (A really good, few and far between emotion that I so welcome... ) Usually I start getting this rush of thoughts that I want to accomplish when I feel confident... like this stuff has to get done immediately. Today, I felt those thoughts welling up... but the anxious feeling didn't follow... it was like, I knew what I wanted to do, but felt clear... and again, calm. I have a new encouragement to continue...

Coming to terms.

I'm trying to come to realizations about my life. My life as it is, as I perceive it, and as I dream it to be. I break down the "days of my life" in little chunks and dissect it so often that I find my self thinking about it more than actually living or enjoying it. That makes me sad. BUT!- Also, I find myself on some sort of scraggly path (I have thought before I was not on a path with a direction to anywhere...just merely floating all the time.) but lately I can see a general theme and slight direction in glimpses. Also in these glimpses, I do find myself learning and experiencing.... thoroughly. Sometimes the result is JOY.
I have been down on myself because of many factors... they always seem to be the same reoccurring themes: body image, health, drive, philosophy, and something that effects me maybe the greatest is the fear that I am not doing what I should be doing, career and creatively speaking.
I go to work every Monday through Friday and sit in an office under fluorescents, in a cubicle, and am shut off from the world and largely, myself. I try to live a duality most days, fighting with my creative self and my practical self. MOST days I just feel drained. I try to inject bits of my true self everyday at my workplace. That is difficult. I sneak little sanity snacks through design blogs I read online between filing. Sometimes it makes me feel worse, sending me into a shame spiral that I can't find the courage to look around and run out of my office shackles. Other days, it's what keeps me going crazy from them. So today on one of my random wandering about online, I find something that comforts me greatly. Summerpierre. This just one of those great moments that puts things back into perspective for me. I am happy that I could be doing a lot worse, and encouraged to keep doing more things that do make me happy (instead of just dreaming and wishing that I would....)
So, today I want to put this down in writing(typing) and make me try to remember this feeling.