Coming to terms.

I'm trying to come to realizations about my life. My life as it is, as I perceive it, and as I dream it to be. I break down the "days of my life" in little chunks and dissect it so often that I find my self thinking about it more than actually living or enjoying it. That makes me sad. BUT!- Also, I find myself on some sort of scraggly path (I have thought before I was not on a path with a direction to anywhere...just merely floating all the time.) but lately I can see a general theme and slight direction in glimpses. Also in these glimpses, I do find myself learning and experiencing.... thoroughly. Sometimes the result is JOY.
I have been down on myself because of many factors... they always seem to be the same reoccurring themes: body image, health, drive, philosophy, and something that effects me maybe the greatest is the fear that I am not doing what I should be doing, career and creatively speaking.
I go to work every Monday through Friday and sit in an office under fluorescents, in a cubicle, and am shut off from the world and largely, myself. I try to live a duality most days, fighting with my creative self and my practical self. MOST days I just feel drained. I try to inject bits of my true self everyday at my workplace. That is difficult. I sneak little sanity snacks through design blogs I read online between filing. Sometimes it makes me feel worse, sending me into a shame spiral that I can't find the courage to look around and run out of my office shackles. Other days, it's what keeps me going crazy from them. So today on one of my random wandering about online, I find something that comforts me greatly. Summerpierre. This just one of those great moments that puts things back into perspective for me. I am happy that I could be doing a lot worse, and encouraged to keep doing more things that do make me happy (instead of just dreaming and wishing that I would....)
So, today I want to put this down in writing(typing) and make me try to remember this feeling.